


The Lies We Told

by humaninventorysystem



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Sexual Assault, Character Death, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22345111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humaninventorysystem/pseuds/humaninventorysystem
Summary: It all started at the Academy. You were sitting in an orientation room looking at all the other people trying for the science program when you saw him walk in.
Relationships: Amanda Grayson & Spock, Michael Burnham & Reader, Michael Burnham & Spock, Paul Stamets & Reader, Spock (Star Trek)/Reader, Spock/Reader, Sylvia Tilly & Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 93





	1. Part 1

It all started at the Academy. You were sitting in an orientation room looking at all the other people trying for the science program when you saw him walk in. Your heart stopped. He was miraculous. His energy was one you had never felt before. You watched him glide to the teacher. 

Your friend leaned over to your table from behind and whispered a mimicking stuck up know it all voice, “Hello, yes. I heard we are getting our lab partners assigned to us today.” You two watched as the teacher nodded and motioned towards the empty seat next to you. Your friend laughed but then quickly growled as they saw the tall man turned back to the teacher. Without looking, you knew their face twisted in disgust. They leaned back up and whispered in an irritated voice, “Good luck with that one, love.” Their chair screaming as they settled back into their place. 

Your eyes had not left the man until you saw him turn to walk towards space next to you. You blankly stared ahead and swallowed hoping he hadn’t noticed you staring earlier. You heard the seat screech and adjust under his weight. He cleared his throat. You turned to look at him. His features were as strong and distinct as his stride. You could feel him studying you as well. You let out a breath about to introduce yourself when he beat you to the punch. 

“Just please call me Spock. You will not be able to pronounce my name. It would be the most optimal for both of us if you just referred to me as the aforementioned if you need to refer to me at all.” 

You squinted at him, “What do you mean by ‘if I need to refer to you at all?’” You didn’t like his tone at all at this point. You understood he was raised in a cut-throat education system, but he needed to learn that was not how you treated people. 

He looked at your evident rising anger and stated as if simple fact, “I had not planned for having a ‘lab partner.’ It seems like a glorified buddy system.” 

You opened your mouth for a comeback when your friend intervened and asked, “Are you sure you are quite cut out for Star Fleet and not the Vulcan Science Academy, Mr. Spock?” They enunciated every part of Mr. Spock with dripping anger. They had completely leaned over to put themselves in between you and the Vulcan. 

Spock looked past the interruption and spoke as if it simply did not happen, “Do you have a name to which I can refer to you as? Is it not rude to not properly introduce yourself after someone did you the pleasure of introducing themselves?” 

Through gritted teeth, you gave the man your name. He was very confused by your rising tension. He just didn’t seem to be in touch with what was going on. This made you soften your guard a bit. 

“Also, I would prefer to help in which I can. The Vulcan Science Academy would not serve to help others in quite the same way,” He addressed your friend who was still leaning their body over their desk to keep it between the two of you, “You should also sit back. You are going to hurt yourself if you continue.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh at the interaction. He really had no idea how to interact with people past how the Vulcans had taught. Surprisingly, it was endearing. He clearly just needed help adjusting. 

It didn’t take long for the two of you to become close. Once you learned that his communication just was more direct and all logic-based, things went more smoothly. It even grew to the two of you spending most of your time together. It was uncommon for anyone to see one of you with the other close by. 

At first, you stuck close to him because he seemed lonely. The first lunch you had you saw him sitting in the mess hall alone. He looked so alone. You couldn’t just let him be there all by himself. You walked straight to his table and sat down. When he saw you sit down next to him, he lifted his brow. You replied, “We will need to get used to being in close quarters if we are going to be working together as lab partners.” 

Without another word, the two of you ate together. This went on for a good while. Despite the two of you having different classes and training, your schedules still linked up very well. Your planetary command classes were the exact same times as his space training classes. So you stuck close to him like glue until he had gotten some other friends. 

Everything went well after that. Well, until the incident happened. You were helping your professor clean the lab. It was late. The sun was already down by the time you were walking out. That was when a shadow loomed over you. Your legs backed you into the wall to try and getaway. 

That was when you heard the man’s voice. It was hate. He sounded like a monster. His voice sounded as if it were glass tumbling in the garbage disposal running on high. He growled and said, “What, you stood me up because I’m not good enough for you?” 

Your breath shortened and quickened. Your brain raced through everything. You gasped as you remembered your friend had set you up with one of the boys in security command training. Your hands went up to your mouth. “I’m-,” you started. 

The man slammed his hand against the wall, keeping you pinned there. “What,” he questioned. He reeked of alcohol. It made your eyes water. He yelled, “Is it because I’m not that Vulcan? Is that it?” He growled and whispered, “Just a Vulcan fucker? Is it the pointy ears? The lack of emotion?” He pushed you against the wall. Your head throbbed. Your throat burned. Everything in you begged for you to scream but you couldn’t. You were frozen. “Or is it because they are rough? I can give you that too,” He taunted. Your eyes squeezed shut for the hit. Then you heard the man say, “They’re fine.” There was no hit, but you felt a shuffle. “I said, they are fine,” the man yelled. 

You instinctively braced for a hit again, scared from his tone. Again, it didn’t come. There was a large thud near your feet. Your eyes widened open. You were shaking and the man now rest at your feet. He looked...dead. You gasped. 

“Are you alright,” A familiar soothing voice rolled over to you. You felt a smooth warm hand touch your face. You looked up to see Spock standing there. You finally heard your voice as you sobbed. His hands were normally cold. You felt him lead you away. His voice seemed so far away once more. “I called the officer. Let’s walk over here and wait,” his voice fought against your head drowning him out. He sat you down on the bench. His hand never left yours. 

You closed your eyes. Everything was spinning. Your soul wanting to expel from your body through your mouth. You didn’t open your eyes again until you felt Spock squeeze your shoulder. You looked from your shaking hands up at the officer. You explained all that you could to him. You refused to have Spock leave your side. Even when they questioned him, you stood next to his side. The officer sighed and said that when you had a clearer head, to come in to give a more detailed statement. You nodded. 

When you turned to see the officer’s vehicle, a force turned you and pulled you into Spock’s chest. He held you there for a second and stated, “Let’s get back.” He walked with you towards the dormitories. When you turned to go to your building, Spock grabbed your arm. He shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t go back alone. Come to my dorm.” 

You shook your head. “But,” your quivering voice stuttered out, “I’m not alone. I’ll-.” 

“Wasn’t your dorm mate the one who set up the date,” He asked. You knew from the way he said it, he meant it more as a statement of example for you to stay with him. You simply nodded. He went to further explain, “We have special techniques and abilities as Vulcans to deal with trauma, so it would be best if you stayed with me until we can get you to a professional.” 

You tried to think back to what day it was. You furrowed your brow in deep thought. You had eaten twice Monday. Three times Tuesday. You took a shower Wednesday. Thursday, Spock introduced you to his mentor here. That was the day before. That would mean that it was Friday. Once you came to the conclusion, you made the comment that it was Friday to Spock. 

He nodded and said, “I know. It is not ideal, but we must do what we must.” 

This was the first time you actually looked at him since everything had happened. He was wearing a black set of tight workout gear. His hair stuck to his face with sweat. He was wearing running shoes. You touched his shirt and rubbed it between your fingers. Yeah, you thought to yourself, that was the feeling of that TransDry type fabric. You were so transfixed by his shirt and outfit, you didn’t get to see him smiling. 

“Would you mind if I told my mother about the incident,” He asked snapping you out of your trance. He watched you for a second before continuing, “She and I call each other three times a week.” 

You nodded and smiled at him. You tried to imagine what Spock’s mother must be like. This wasn’t the first time he’s mentioned her, but it was always just a passing comment. It was rather surprising to you that his mother would call him so frequently. You guessed that even for a Vulcan, she was still a mother. You followed his lead to his dorm. He let you enter first. That is when you saw a picture of a brown-haired human woman on the wall. You smiled and rushed to it. You motioned to it and turned to Spock, “She’s beautiful. Spock, who is she?” 

Spock effortlessly strolled into the room. He nodded towards the picture, that struck you as odd, but it was Spock. He motioned and settled, “This is my mother Amanda Grayson.” He turned more towards the picture. When you looked back at it, you realized that this was not a picture, but instead a communication relay. Your face flushed as Spock introduced you. He turned back to you and said, “I will gather some spare clothes. You should take a shower. I will be right here if you need anything.” 

“If this is a bad time,” Amanda giggled, “We can always speak tomorrow.” She waved to you with a motherly smile. His mother made you feel safer. Everything about him made you feel safe anyway, but her presence just calmed you in a way you couldn’t describe. You waved back as Spock gathered what he mentioned. 

“Not at all Mother,” Spock spoke as he handed you a pair of sweatpants surprisingly your size and an oversized hoodie, “This is actually the perfect time. I would like your advice and my lab partner would most definitely benefit from your perspective.” 

Once you had the clothes in your hands, you walked into his bathroom. You paused. He was so clean. Not a single thing seemed to be out of place. You gently placed the clothes on the counter before standing confused. Towels. You didn’t want to go disturb his call again, so you elected to dig. You opened one cabinet. It was mostly empty. You closed that one and opened another one. Finding the towels, you grabbed one and placed it on the counter as well before going into the shower. 

Spock waited until he heard the water running, he turned back to his mother and explained what had happened. He stared. His insides eating him from the inside. He never felt such rage against another person before. He looked at his mother and said, “He was taunting them about me. The man didn’t like that we are so close.” 

Amanda sighed. She wished she could be there to comfort her son. “Most people do not enjoy the idea of someone they are interested in being interested in someone else,” She explained. She continued, “Most humans don’t like other humans enjoying Vulcan company past business. I can understand.” She paused. “Spock,” Amanda pleaded, “You are allowed to let out how you feel.” 

Spock nodded, “All of my feelings are understandable given the situation, but allowing myself to act upon them past where I have already will be illogical.” He grit his teeth together trying to keep himself calm. He heard his bathroom door open and he bowed his head, “I am going to speak with my partner. If they are comfortable, may you help them? I, too, need a shower.” 

Amanda nodded. 

You watched as Spock walked over to you. He had an energy that you couldn’t place from him. He leaned to you and asked you if you would be comfortable with him showering while you spoke with his mother. You slowly nodded but your hand reached for his. 

Spock tried to give you a small smirk. He pat your head and whispered, “I will be right there. It’s okay.” 

You nodded slowly and walked to speak with his mother. She must have sensed your nervousness because she waited until Spock was gone before speaking. 

“I heard that you were tormented because of my son’s race,” She said simply. 

You nodded and sobbed. You let out all your emotions there. Large tears ran down your face. 

Amanda sighed and said, “You understand the easiest way for it to not happen again would be to sepera-.” 

Before she could finish her sentence, you screamed, “I don’t want to. But I don’t want that.” You covered your mouth and sobbed again, “I’m sorry. I… I can’t.” You looked down at the floor and watched as the tears fell to the ground. You whispered, “I love him too much.” You looked at her shaking your head rubbing your eyes through small sniffles, “He’s my best friend and I love him too much to leave just because someone may hurt me. They would have to kill me if they hate that he is my closest friend for me to ever part from him.” 

Amanda smiled gently and you could see where his softness came from. All of Spock’s compassion and love was directly spawned from her. Her own eyes teared up. Amanda wiped her eyes her voice low, “Thank you.” She laughed at herself and said, “But please never let my son hear you say any of that. It would burden him too much.” 

You smiled and laughed through your tears, “I know. He would also scold me for being so illogical about the situation.” The two of you laughed. As you waited for Spock, she told you stories of when Spock was younger. Her voice soothed you. You sat on his bed cross-legged and just listened. The ways she described everything made you long for Vulcan. You yearned to go back to that time and be there for him then. 

This caused you to jump when you heard Spock’s voice once more. “If you can excuse us Mother,” Spock started, “I have to make plans for tomorrow.” They gave each other, what you learned in class, the Vulcan salute and signed off. 

You crawled over to him and knelt on the edge of the bed, “You have to teach me how to do that?” You tried by yourself and all your fingers drifted apart instead of just separating in the middle. 

You could see him fighting off a smile as he walked over to you. He curled your hand down and said, “I will some other time. You need to get your rest.” 

You huffed at him and waddled over towards the wall’s side of the bed to allow him room. Then you collapsed with another huff. You heard him shift behind you causing you to turn to face him once more, “Are you not going to join me? Logically it is the best way for the two-” “

Logically,” he interrupted, “It would be better if we took shifts, but seeing that you need your rest more than that, I can understand your point.” He slipped into the bed next to you. He laid straight on his back, staring at the ceiling. 

You propped yourself up on your elbow and asked, “What are you thinking about?” 

Spock sighed, “I’m running through all the scenarios in my head about the next approach forward for tomorrow.” 

You nodded and laid down. You asked, “Is it okay if I rest my head on you?” 

Spock froze. He seemed to be taken aback by the request. He nodded slowly and outstretched his arm so that you could cuddle into his chest. When you snuggled in, you rest your hand on his abdomen area and felt his heartbeat. He was cool like normal. He asked, “Comfortable?” 

You nodded and asked, “Can you play with my hair?” 

He let out a breath that you could tell was him giving a small laugh, “of course.” His long fingers softly traced your scalp and ran through your hair. You listened as he started to murmur, “One thing was certain, that the white kitten had had nothing to do with it:—it was the black kitten’s fault entirely. For the white kitten had been having its face washed by the old cat for the last quarter of an hour (and bearing it pretty well, considering); so you see that it couldn’t have had any hand in the mischief.” His slow rhythmic breathing accompanied by his absentminded mumbling lulled you into a deep sleep. 

After that day, you transferred into the space training program. Spock helped you catch up with the rest of the group were in physical health. That meant every morning and night you two jogged at least two miles. After that, you two were inseparable. Eating, sleep schedules, classes, the two of you did it all together. You jogged beneath the autumn falling leaves. The crunching beneath both of your feet was music into your ears. You both read together while the snowflakes drifted to the ground. As you two would walk back, you would have a snowball fight together as a reward. During the spring, you sat outside identifying all the flora and fauna you could after a hike going into the wide-open fields where you two would hideaway. The summer was spent in the pool with gravity training. Of course, your friend group couldn’t allow Spock just to be in a pool without having some fun. First, you played volleyball. They also wanted to play Shoulder Wars. You laughed as they convinced your lab partner that it was to “improve interpersonal skills” and “to test abilities in high-stress situations.” 

Spock was perturbed a bit when the group told him that he couldn’t be in a partnership with you because that would be cheating. He didn’t like having other people touching him in such an intimate way and having to touch someone in such a way either. He preferred to have been with you in a partnership. He was used to being touched and touching you. He felt a jealousy building when you partnered with someone. 

The next time, he required to play on a team with you. The group actually had a fun time. You and Spock did not win every game. Your group played until no one could hold themselves anymore. That night, your group created a bonfire at an open field not too far away. Some of the men howled as the rest of the group laughed. Poor Spock shifted in his seat questioning everything. You smiled gently at him and sat next to him. 

“This is highly illogical. What sort of a celebration is this,” He questioned. 

You giggled, “It’s just how we as humans let out all the stress built up over the year.” You smiled at him, “If you want to leave we can, I just wanted you to be able to experience it once and to at least have real fire-roasted marshmallows.” 

He nodded, “I understand. I appreciate your interest in showing me customs.” He looked amongst the group of friends. Some were now becoming intimate with each other. He looked back into your eyes. The crackling of the fire was very relaxing if he had to admit to himself. His lips curled at the edges for a second. “I would like to help you with my home’s salute if you will let me,” Spock commented. 

You wiggled a bit excited, “Really?” You turned to him so that he may be more effective with his teaching. 

Spock lifted his hand towards you and motioned for you to place your hand against his. You followed his lead. Your hand slowly closed the gap by pressing your index and middle fingertips against his. This caused a jolt between you two. Your breath caught in your throat for a moment as you stared. Spock’s face illuminated with a mint green before closing the gap of your hands himself. Once he did, you felt as if you were able to breathe again. Your head reeling from the experience. You could only describe it at the time as similar to what you would see in a romantic movie when the two characters finally shared a kiss. You opened your mouth to speak but Spock immediately drew attention back to the original issue. 

“This is the motion that you would need. I am sure your muscles are simply not used to exercising this function,” Spock motioned to him slowly coaxing your fingers to follow his, “Here we are getting them accustomed to such a motion.” 

You followed his movements. Your fingers still seemed to still give resistance. You looked up at Spock who looked back towards you as well. Your heart raced at his gentle touch. You pulled away and smiled, “Thank you for trying to help.” 

He nodded, “It would not be the first time I tried to teach someone the Vulcan salute.” He looked back at the burning fire. It felt as if it were injected straight into his veins. He felt it rage and flare within him. He turned to you and it both calmed yet it also increased its intensity. 

The rest of your three years together seemed to rush past. There were more small moments together that only the two of you shared, but it all seemed to build to nothing. Spock always seemed to deflect the situation which grew to you naturally following suit. 

Spock sighed. He practiced to himself, “I know that we are going to be getting our assignments soon. I would like to request…” He took a deep breath, “your… permission for us to be assigned to the same orders. Ideally, I would like us to be partnered on the same starship. Would you agree to this?” 

Amanda smiled at her son, “You are going to do well my darling Spock.” She clasped her hands together in excitement, “Please promise me you will bring her to Vulcan as soon as possible.” 

Spock nodded towards his mother and commented, “As fast as humanly possible.” He straightened himself up, “I will take my leave.” 

Amanda nodded, “Good luck.” 

“This has nothing to do with luck,” He gently explained to his mother, “It is simply the question of desire to be attached to me forever. Are you sure T’Ping will agree?” 

“That girl has already expressed her extreme happiness for the arrangement,” She said. She sighed and said, “Please let me know what happens.” 

Spock nodded, “I will.” He bid his mother goodbye before walking out to find you. 

You ran. The flowers were so beautiful, but you had no time to wait. You dodged some of the potential new recruits as you tried to fight your way to your lab partner. You smiled and twirled with him once you were able to grab ahold of him. His strong hands held you steady as you laughed. You threw your arms around him. “Spock,” you exclaimed out of breath from running to him. 

His eyes furrowed with worry. “Are you alright,” he asked straightening your tousled hair. 

You nodded hurriedly, “Yes!” You smiled, “Oh Spock, I could just kiss you right here I’m so happy.” You pressed his forehead against yours. 

His brow raised and he commented, “Here wouldn’t be the most appropriate setting. I do have the question of what has made you so happy that you are acting more irrationally than normally.” 

“I got it,” you laughed. You nuzzled the Vulcan, “I was picked by Professor Paul Stamets to help with his research! Isn’t that exciting?” 

Spock sighed, “Yes. That is very exciting.” He smiled and pulled away. He pressed his hand against your cheek, “I-” He thought for a second. His body froze as he thought back to the memory. He remembered his sister yelling at him, ‘Love? You aren’t capable of love.’ Spock shook his head. 

You reached out to him. You touched his cheek and with a hushed tone whispered, “Spock?” You never had seen him like this. 

‘You are Vulcan,’ Burnham repeated in his mind, ‘You will always be cold and distant. Like a moon, somewhere. You aren’t worth my effort.’ 

You grabbed his hand with your other hand and repeated louder, “Spock.” 

He blinked and looked back at you. He raised his brow in confusion. 

“Are you alright,” You asked gently. 

Spock nodded, “Yes. I just wanted to congratulate you.” He pat your head, “why don’t we tell everyone else the news? I am sure you will make plenty of people jealous.” 

Just like that, Spock let go of his want to ask you to stay with him for the rest of your life. He deemed it as selfish and illogical that you would want to ever choose to be with him forever. You were so far out of his reach. He shouldn’t even try.


	2. Part 2

It wasn’t until years later that you had even the slightest hint of Spock in your life. He was so busy on his new starship the Enterprise, that it never seemed like you would be able to link up properly. You could understand that. It wasn’t anything personal, you thought. 

Working aboard the Discovery now, you were busy as well. Stamets always seemed to have some wild thing you needed to work on. You could say that the Discovery helped you realize the seriousness of all the training exercises all those years ago. Especially once Michael Burnham boarded the ship. 

She seemed so similar to your old Vulcan friend. This immediately drew you to her. You forced yourself on her. Your mentor Stamets first had told you that you were supposed to get a Vulcan mutineer that was going to be assigned to your group. 

“You were really good friends with that Vulcan in the Academy right,” He asked as you two worked on the mycelial network. Both of you trying to help it grow so that your supply wouldn’t deplete. 

You smiled widely, “You mean Spock? Yes! What about it?” You continued your work. 

Stamets sighed, “We are getting a Vulcan assigned to us. They were supposedly a mutineer. I want you to help catch them up to speed. Just remember what you can and cannot tell civilians, got it?” 

Nodding wildly, you replied, “Roger Dodger.” 

You danced out of the lab excited to meet the newbie. Your smile was wide from ear to ear. “Hello,” you called out. You watched as a young black woman turned towards you. You didn’t recognize her. You squinted. 

Michael turned whenever she heard the musical voice call out. She assumed it must have been meant for her. She walked over and stood in front of the person calling her. Her eyebrow raised slightly. 

You gasped at her brow raise. You smiled, “Yoooooouuu must be the new Vulcan I was told about.” You walked around studying her, “I mean, there was clearly a misunderstanding. But I can tell you must have been raised by Vulcans.” 

Michael looked at the strange scientist circling her. She followed with her head and asked, “And how can you tel-” 

You interrupted her, “Oh dear! Yes. My best friend at the Academy was a Vulcan. He was very intuned with their customs. So judging on your mannerisms, you must have been raised there as well. You share about 85% of the same mannerisms. If I were a fool, I would say so similar you two could have been related.” You smiled at her. 

Michael nodded, “Right. Well.” 

“Oh yeah,” you interrupted again, “Catch up time~! Well, catch up to speed, but not so much because a loooott of stuff is classified but enough to get you working. You went to the Vulcan Science Academy? Luckily you! This code over…” You bounced to the main station. You furrowed your brow. “Huh,” you questioned, “where did that broken code go.” 

That was when Stamets walked into the room and grilled Burnham handing her the code and dismissing her. He turned to you and motioned, “Go. Out of my sight. Don’t come back before you’ve got something.” 

You got along very well with her. You didn’t realize that it was because she was your best friend’s sister until you learned that Sarek was her father. By that point, you didn’t want to make an issue of anything, so you stayed silent. 

When Michael collapsed that day, you were the first to recognize what had happened. You brought her back into the medbay screaming. You held her hand as you sat waiting for her. You stared at her, praying for her to return. You knew from Spock that if the other person’s soul and mind stayed within the dying one, that they might die too. This terrified you. 

Later, you tried to avoid her as well as her father during his stay. It was awkward for you to be in his presence. He, like Burnham, reminded you of your old lab partner, but he terrified you. Spock would have scolded you for it, but it was just how you felt. You trusted Spock’s judgment on people. He was often right about them. 

It wasn’t as if you weren’t busy with other things anyway. You focused on your job every time you could. With your mentor injecting himself with the tardigrade DNA, you had a lot to work with him about now. He was a lot happier now. He described it as being able to see the entire universe and all of its possibilities. You were envious of that. You joked and once told him that maybe next time, they should inject you with some too. Stamets did not appreciate the joke as much as Tilly did. 

At the party, you smiled and laughed. You loved seeing your fellow crewmen having so much fun. Someone even brought sparklers. Tilly pulled you around at first. The alcohol that was given to you was really strong. You must have just been giggling the entire time. 

You eventually broke off so that you could go dancing a bit. You kept an eye out on your redheaded friend playing beer basket pong though. The roars of adoring fans made you realize she was doing fine. 

Hugh called out to you from the edge of the party, so you graciously made your way to him. With a big goofy smile, you yelled above the music, “Yes Dad?” 

Hugh laughed and said, “You better take advantage of that while my partner and I are drunk.” He shook his head and asked, “Aren’t trying to contact that Vulcan boy you are so fond of?” 

You furrowed your brows and asked back, “Who Spock? Why would I do that? Today isn’t the day I do that?” 

Stamets laughed and said, “Oh, you even have a day you record and send messages. That would be so precious if it weren’t so so sad.” He shook his head with a condescending smile. Despite him being an ass sometimes, you knew he truly did care about you and wanted to see you happy. After working closely with him for three years, you came to understand his nature of being condescending was just his guard. 

“Thanks, Dad,” You rolled your eyes. Hearing your friend’s voice, you turned to see Tilly addressing Burnham. You blushed. Had she heard you? You didn’t believe so because she wasn’t trying to address the situation with you. You let out a sigh of relief. 

Luckily, they actually wanted to take their leave, so you followed to help them. So you didn’t have to stay very long at the party while Burnham was there. 

The idea of telling Michael now would have been too much. You could infer that if Michael was close to Spock’s estranged father, she must not be in his good graces either. This hurt you so deeply. A stabbing pain hit your heart every time you laughed with Michael. Every smile shared now felt a sense of dread. Everything felt like a lie. The only salvation was that she did not know that you knew her brother. This lasted for a long time. Eventually, the heartbreak faded. Spock had not contacted you back at all and your relationship with Michael grew. She was like a sister to you. You felt so embarrassed and ashamed that you had allowed yourself to think negatively about her without any confirmation nor prior knowledge. 

It was not until the celebration ceremony that she found out. You couldn’t hide that you were a special person to Michael’s brother once Amanda saw you though. 

Amanda blinked and waved at you. She rushed to you and gave you a hug. You smiled at her as you held her. When she pulled away, Amanda brushed your hair away from your face, “It has been so long. I am so happy to see you and finally meet you in person.” 

“I am so excited to meet you too,” You smiled at the woman. 

Michael looked at the two and raised her brow, “Excuse me?” 

You blushed and stammered to start to explain when her mother cut you off. “This was Spock’s lab partner. She was very close to him,” Amanda explained. 

Michael looked at you and asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you knew my brother before?” 

You giggled nervously, “It never really came up before.” 

Michael nodded and rolled her eyes, “Right. Well, we are going to have to talk about that later.” 

You nodded. 

After the celebration, you were hailed by the Enterprise. You were so happy. This meant maybe finally seeing him again. Your heart leaped at the opportunity to see your friend again. He still had not responded to your desperate tries of communication. You still held out hope that maybe he was just busy and it really wasn’t a personal thing. 

You were saddened deeply when you did not see him. Christopher Pike seemed to understand. He not only comforted Michael but you as well when Spock was not with the group. You asked more about his whereabouts. You, then, learned he had put himself on Starbase 5 to recuperate after recurring nightmares. 

Your heart ached for your friend. You wished you could be there for him, but you had a mission you needed to take care of with the rest of your crew, so you wouldn’t, couldn’t, focus on him right now. Your fellow crewmen, your friends, and new family, they had to come first right now. Spock would have reached out if he truly needed you, you thought to yourself, He was just that sort of person. He never hid anything from you. Sometimes he wouldn’t explain everything, but it was only because you never asked and he didn’t need to reach out. 

The news about Spock was soon broken to you and Michael. You aided in her and Pike’s search for her brother. Your heart yearned for him. You never believed he would do anything to harm another person. You agreed completely with his mother. Spock had always been gentle, kind. 

When you followed Michael to Vulcan, you didn’t think your first trip to Spock’s childhood home would be like this. You never believed you would be traveling to his home without him beside you, guiding you there. Everything was sleek. Your hand rode up the banister as you walked up following Michael. She seemed entranced. You stared in awe. This place was just as Amanda described to you many years ago. It was hard to imagine you were finally here. 

This did not last long however as when Amanda saw you when she and Michael argued, she stopped. She, then, took the two down to the crypt. She stopped and told you two that Spock was not as you would have remembered him. He was very different. 

You heard his voice and raced ahead. He was repeating something. You kept turning around. His voice echoed in the chambers of the red caverns. The water dripping did not help the issue. When you finally spotted him, he was rocking to himself. You ran to his side and touched his now unshaven cheek. You smiled a little at him. He kept stuttering to himself rocking. 

Michael gently pulled you away as she noticed her brother standing and walking as if not even noticing anyone’s presence. She whispered to you, “It’s probably safer if we stay out of the way.” She pulled you closer to where she and her mother stood to speak more about Spock’s condition. They spoke about what was the best step moving forward. 

Spock’s head was reeling. He kept repeating the same things to himself to ground himself. His own mind started to laugh at him. He couldn’t believe how ridiculous everything was. First, the red bursts. Then, time is not linear. Now, you on Vulcan. Everything was now illogical. 

You watched as he carved into the wall. Your heart ached. Everything from you dropped as you walked towards him again. He was still so handsome and he was still your Spock. He wasn’t yours though. You reached to touch him again only for him to turn and start to pace once more. He circled the group once. 

Spock cursed his mind. Right now was not the time he needed to be tormented by a ghost of his tragic love. This ghost treated him just as his lost love would have. It was so gentle, warm, caring. Maybe that was what tormented him the most. He could only try and walk away to focus on what was truly the issue. 

When Sarek arrived, you instinctively grabbed hold of Spock’s hand. You tried to tune them out, you really did. You felt yourself crying hearing his father speak about him. You tried instead to listen to Spock recounting Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass. You remembered him murmuring it once before. Your eyes furrowed as you tried to think back. Whenever you would have trouble sleeping, that was it. He didn’t even need to have the written work in front of him. It always had amazed you. He could remember right where he had left off and continue on again. 

In the end, you had no choice but to follow what Sarek had said. You only removed yourself from his side when Michael was with him. Whenever she stormed out to check the numbers once more, you rushed in to be with him. Your hand slipped into his again. When Michael returned, you helped her escape with Spock into a vessel. You pet his face gently and whispered to him, “Hang in there Spock. We are here. Michael and I’ve got you.” 

In the shuttle, you stayed with him in the back. Michael, after making sure everything was clear, strode over to you and her brother. She knelt before her brother and gently touched his cheek, much as you had. “Spock can you hear me,” Michael asked him. When she was answered with Spock’s mumbling of 841947, she called to the computer and asked, “Computer, search database for matches of the following numbers: 749 148. In that order.” The computer confirmed her request. Michael called it again and told it to give her everything it had. She whispered to him, “Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time.” She paused to study him then continued, “as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. And what are you trying to say? Talk to me.” 

“Database match found,” the voice from the computer rang out as if an angel in the dark corner of space they have now retreated to, “One Planetary System located at 7-4-1 Mark 1-4-8. Identification: Talos 4.” 

Michael stared at her brother in surprise then stood. She looked back at you and confirmed, “They were coordinates.” She stood and walked back to the helm of your tiny shuttle. Michael set the course to Talos 4 in the fastest speed the ship could take. She looked back to see you had parked yourself back to her brother, gently moving his hair out of his face. 

You whispered to your friend, “Thank you. You are doing well.” 

Michael, then, commented, “Where is Spock taking us?” 

You awoke to the sound of the computer stating facts to know about Talos 4. You groaned and through groggy vision looked for Spock. You panicked until seeing him with his sister. Burnham must have moved him when you slept. He lay silently in the chair next to her. You watched as she spoke to him and administered medicine to him to help him become more lucid. When Burnham sat back, the ship jolted. You grabbed onto the seat as the shuttle went into red alert. You tried to rush towards the front to help navigate the black hole, but Spock quickly pushed you back into the back. Your breath caught in your chest. “Spock,” you whispered. 

Michael yelled at her brother to stop his interfering. She tried to fight him off, but he overpowered her forcing them into the black hole. She stared helplessly as her brother forced them into it. The ship warned of the imminent danger. 

Spock knew this illusion. He knew that they would be safe. After pushing his illusion away, he stood with his sister at the front of the ship staring at the beautiful blue planet of Talos 4 in front of them. 

“Is that an illusion,” Michael asked her brother panting from the panic. She side glared at her brother as she tried to calm herself down again. She thought for a moment then continued, “No. That was a test. We are really Through the Looking Glass now, aren’t we?” 

Spock turned his head to stare at you. He wanted this torture of a vision to go away. There was no chance that you could be on this ship with him and his sister. You had to be in your lab somewhere working, not stretching from him pushing you back into your seat. He kicked himself as he sighed and faced forward again. 

Once the ship landed, Michael grabbed you to do a search of the surrounding area. You nodded and followed. Both of you checked on Spock before leaving. 

The planet was beautiful. You smiled as you looked around. There was music all in the air. Soon the music stopped. You turned to see that Michael had touched a plant. This is what was singing. The two of you smiled at each other and giggled. For a small moment, you and Michael had forgotten your worries and woes to enjoy something. 

That was when Michael noticed someone going towards the ship. You tried to rush it, but Michael held you back behind her. She carefully walked up and surprised the woman. “Turn,” Michael commanded the blonde humanoid, “Slowly.” The woman turned to face the both of you. Your phasers set onto her. She was beautiful. It seemed almost unreal that someone so beautiful would actually exist. 

The blonde woman let out a small laugh and smiled, “Who are you?” 

“Where I come from,” Michael stated, “The one holding the phaser asks the questions. Are you Talosian?” 

The woman slightly shook her head, “No. Human. But a permanent resident.” She turned back towards Spock causing you and Michael to walk forward, phasers still locked on the blonde. The doors closed behind you as the woman whispered to Spock, “It’s me, Vena. Don’t you recognize me?” Spock stared straight ahead not answering her. “What’s happened to him,” she turned to you and Burnham. 

You could tell she was very concerned so you lowered your phaser. 

“Who are you,” Michael asked annoyed, readjusting her grip. She swayed a bit forward. She glared at you seeing you had lowered your weapon. 

Vena turned and explained, “I am an old… friend of Christopher Pike. Chris… Is he coming back as well?” She looked very hopeful at this. Your heart suddenly felt relief. You had not even registered that your chest had tightened seeing her so close to Spock. You shook your head. This wasn’t the first nor last time Spock would have close friends. You didn’t understand why you suddenly felt jealousy. 

Michael squinted, “Are you saying Captain Pike and Spock have been here before?” She nodded towards her brother when she referred to him. 

“Well in some ways Pike never left,” Vena shook her head and looked towards the ground. She looked back towards Michael and explained her origin. This caused Michael to lower her own phaser and introduce herself. Vena, then, tilted her head up and spoke for the Talosians. They asked for them to beam down with Spock so that they could examine him. 

You quickly nodded and moved to get ready to do so, but Michael grabbed your arm and pulled you back, “What do you mean examine him?” The two of you watched Spock slowly nod. Michael put two and two together and then stated, “You brought us here because you knew the Talosians could help you.” She furrowed her brow at him and accused, “Were you in communication with them?” 

Spock hit his fist against the ship. You could tell his frustration rising. 

Vena and Burnham finally concluded the conversation as you rushed to Spock’s side to try and calm him down. You knelt next to him and smiled up at him. Spock only turned his head away from you as if he didn’t want to look at you. Your heart sank. Tears started to well up behind your eyes. The burning of them cause you to squint and allow a few of the tears roll down your cheeks. Burnham placed a hand on your shoulder and smiled gently at you. She helped you up and comforted you before you made your journey. 

When you arrived, you stuck closely to Michael. Everything was moving so quickly. You reached for your head and they turned to you, “May we, also, look into your memories with her brother?” You furrowed your brow. 

"What,” you asked confused. 

Michael shook her head, “We are going to have to find another way.” She walked towards Spock who shook his head. He turned towards you now slowly coming to terms that you were real. Why else would the Talosians speak to you if you were just an illusion of his mad mind? It wouldn’t have been unlike them, he concluded to himself, but what about Michael? He hadn’t thought about it before, but Michael shouldn’t have been able nor know about his illusion so why would she interact with you either? 

When Michael came out of the memory, she pushed herself against the rock. You ran to her. She was panicking. You grasped her hand. She clung on and she hyperventilated. The two of you looked up at Spock to see him look down at Michael commenting, “Now you see.” Michael then passed out. 

If Spock were not in recovery, you would have slapped him. You glared at him. Tears rolled down your face. You removed yourself from holding Burnham and stomped towards the Talosians. “I’m inferring that if you want to study my friend’s memories with her brother because it is a wound for him. I must be the same. I am ready,” you stated through grit teeth. You glared at them. You were furious. Tired of being pushed around, frustrated of being ignored, your fists curled so tightly that your knuckles started to change color.


	3. Part 3

Your memories were not what you thought they were going to be. The Talosians wanted to see the transition and the grown love you and Spock had shared. They made you replay the memory of first seeing him, of first growing together. 

You relived the first winter together, reading in the library. Your head in his lap as you read over some of the project notes. Your eyes becoming droopy as Spock preoccupied with his reading played with your hair. You don’t even think he cognitively registered that he was doing so. The warm drinks you had gotten sitting on the table next to you. He hummed a tune as you studied. The snow falling gently on the heads of the perfectly sculpted snowman and crudely built snowVulcan. 

You smiled as moments from your second spring replayed. You followed behind the image of you and Spock. This was when you pulled him to you to hide from your friends. There was a massive game of hide and seek that you agreed to that Spock actually enjoyed. He commented that it would be a nice practice for stealth-based assignments. You pulled him into a very small alcove in the building. You couldn’t stop your giggling. Spock had to put his hand over your mouth to keep you from revealing your hiding spot. There was a sparkle in his eye that made you want to lean in and place your lips against his, but you held yourself back. 

The third summer was spent on a beach with your friends and professors. As the sunset dropped over the water, the sky transitioned to purple, pink, and red. Spock walked next to you. He let enough gap in his arm so that you could wrap yours around his. You slid your arm into the gap and leaned your head on his shoulder as your footprints left their mark on the sand. Once away from the group, Spock removed you from him. He touched his index and middle fingertip to yours. Your breath caught as the jolt rushed through you again. You pulled your lower lip to bite the edge of it. Your eyes locked with his deep brown ones. You moved closer to him. His lips curled at the edges. His coolness melted into a loving warmth. This act always gave you a different perspective of the stoic race of Vulcans. You thought this was just a way for friends to feel closer for Vulcans. You realized through this memory, that you never actually had any other person in your life at that time. Whenever you thought of romance, all you thought of was Spock. 

That last fall, you finally were able to convince him to go dancing with you. He was surprisingly spry and light on his feet. You thought you were going to have to teach him for a painstaking amount of hours, but he was able to keep up quite well, for the slow bits at least. Once anything with a faster tempo came to play, he looked a bit confused. He didn’t seem to mind watching you have fun and to try himself. You were really proud of him. 

When you were released from your memories, you looked towards Spock. He had walked towards you. His voice as low as he caressed your cheek, “You are real.” 

You nodded. When you looked into his eyes, he looked in so much despair. You pressed your forehead against his as tears rolled down your cheeks. Spock grabbed your hand and laced his thumb, ring finger, and pinkie with yours. The other two fingers pressed together with yours. Instead of the regular jolt that you felt, a warmth washed over you despite his cool hands. You continued your sobbing. You nodded, “Yes I’m real.” Your other hand ran through his longer than normal hair. “I am real,” you repeated in between sobs. 

For the first time ever, you heard Spock laugh. Your eyes were closed from crying so you didn’t get to see it. He finished lacing your hands together. He pulled away from you and wiped your tears. “Please forgive me,” He asked. 

You looked at him. His brown eyes held a scared look. They always revealed his secrets. He was terrified. You nodded slowly, “Please just never go where I can’t follow.” 

“Logically speaking-.” 

“Shut up,” You told him. You pulled away and looked towards the Talosians. You silently thanked them. Vena smiled and pulled you away to wash the tears off your face allowing the siblings to have some much needed time to be alone to talk. You did not arrive back until the conversation with Captain Pike. You smiled knowing that you were going to be meeting back with the rest of your crewmen soon. Taking a deep breath, you followed Spock to the shuttle to prepare for beaming to the Discovery once it was in range. 

Michael was not ready for the Talosians to bring that memory back up. She didn’t want to relive telling Spock that she didn’t want a “freak like you as a brother” only to have to hear the child him respond back with the words, “But I love you.” She didn’t want to have either one of them have to hear her yell at him that he was not capable of love. Once out of the memory, she tried her best to apologize. 

“Spock, I am so sorry,” She said fighting back tears. 

Spock’s eyes investigated the ground before looking back at his sister. “In point of fact, I am grateful. Your words showed me how damaging my humanity could be.” 

“No, your humanity was beautiful,” Michael argued, “I was a child.” 

“You were a catalyst. And in an attempt to escape emotion, to escape you, I fully submerged myself in logic. But my bedrock of logic has always been time itself. And now time has failed me, logic has failed me. Emotion has failed me,” Spock continued, “I have nothing to build upon, yet build I must. This could be the building point of multiple civilizations, millions of lives, and I am not ready.” 

Michael studied her brother for a second before asking, “Are you more angry at me or yourself?” 

“Do not attempt to,” Spock paused, “psychoanalyze me, Michael. Better minds than yours have tried and failed.” 

“Yet,” Michael argued, “You chose me for this journey. You value our connection. Perhaps, the bedrock of your logic is this relationship.” 

Spock countered, “Absurd. You are correct, however, on one matter. It was foolish to idolize you and I regret it deeply.” 

Right when you were going to interrupt, Vena did instead. She warned of the upcoming danger. 

When you arrived back on Discovery, you rushed to Saru and gave your commanding officer a large hug. “Oh, I’ve missed you,” you said with a giant smile. You walked with him towards the lab, “I can’t wait to tell you about the Talosian singing plants.” 

After everything had calmed down, you smiled and told Spock and Captain Pike that you had room for Spock in your quarters. Pike seemed to understand and quickly arranged the situation before Spock had time to object. He chuckled seeing his science officer seem so flustered. 

You opened your arms to motion to you and Spock’s quarters. “Here we are,” You explained. You sat on your bed and smiled. Your room was full of greenery and plants. You had filled your life with things to care for since Spock’s absence in your life. Pictures of you with your fellow crewmen and your mentor and his partner filled every empty wall space next to your bed. Pictures of you and Tilly laughing at a party, images of the first time Stamets and you took a hiking trip, recollections of you and Michael looking out at the stars, Hugh taking you to your first Kasseelian opera. All of it. Precious memories surrounded you. 

A twinge of jealousy hit Spock at that moment. He looked around and commented, “It seems you have adjusted well.” He sighed as he sat on the bed across from you. He laid down staring up at the ceiling. 

You smiled and rummaged in your bedstand. You pulled out an album. You held it over Spock’s face and said, “All of yours are in here. I would have needed the entire other side of the room to have enough room for all of our memories.” You placed it into his hands and curled up next to him to look through it with him. 

Spock raised his brow at you but wrapped his long arm around you to keep you close to look through the album with you. “You know,” he explained, “We relived a lot of this on Talos 4. We don’t have-” 

You put a finger to his lips and shushed him, “Let’s just enjoy this while we can.” 

He nodded and started to carefully go through the pages with you. His breathing slowed in relaxation. Spock couldn’t believe that you were so close to him once more. Everything was just the same as it always had. He stole a look at you from the side. You were just as gorgeous now as you were in his memories. Your warmth and love irradiated from you just as it did years ago. Spock found it hard to believe that after everything, you still chose to be in his arms, by his side. 

Your work was cut out for you as soon as you arrived back. You found the spore drive defective and Stamets rushing to fix it. You couldn’t disagree. He was in the right. The spore drive was your main mode of transportation. So you focused on that with your mentor. He counted off the ones you and he had tried then turned to Michael and Spock who were also working in the room. He prodded them to talk. You tried to intervene but they soon started to argue prompting Stamets to kick them out immediately. 

It wasn’t long before Spock came to reconvene in the lab. He was alone this time to do his work. You sat on the floor reanalyzing panels while Stamets had decided to move to the electrical conduit. You tried to tune out your partner and mentor squabbling when the power went out. 

“Fuck,” you cried out annoyed. Both Spock and Stamets looked at you for a moment. 

Stamets called your name in a surprised tone but then cracked a smile, “That’s my protege for you.” He laughed. He shook his head and commented, “I know what you mean. There’s a power short on top of everything else.” He rolled his eyes as he grabbed a flashlight. 

“This makes my work impossible,” Spock commented grabbing both your and Stamets’s attention, “And I am not being hyperbolic when I say the future of the galaxy is at stake.” 

Stamets looked dumbfounded as he started to storm towards him, “Well, um…” 

“Here we go,” you smiled and sat back to watch your mentor tell Spock off. You folded your arms amused. 

Stamets strolled over to the tall man and said, “Unless I can reroute power to the adjacent conduit, isolate the corruption, fix it and the spore drive.” He motioned around the room with his flashlight (which actually blinded you for a second), “we are all going to be arrested.” Stamets made a face, “So if you want to save the galaxy, start by helping me.” He tossed Spock the flashlight. 

Spock easily caught it and nodded, “Fair point.” He walked with the blond man back to the subsystem as you switched to using battery-operated power. 

You heard Spock hand the flashlight back to Stamets after his boots echoed through the now quiet lab. “I didn’t know you knew anything about electrical,” Stamets commented. 

“I have many talents,” Spock replied. Stamets rose his eyebrows at you making a smug face before listening to Spock’s next request, “Flashlight over here please.” 

Stamets moved to where Spock had asked him to move. He, then, tried to make conversation, “So, did Burnham’s idea help? Did you figure out why the Red Angel chose you?” 

Spock simply shook his head, “No.” He walked away, “I examined it from countless angles.” You heard his voice get louder which meant he must have returned, “Yet I remain an illogical choice.” 

“Well,” Stamets asked, “Have you thought about what makes you unique?” 

Spock’s voice didn’t seem directed more towards you anymore, so you assumed he must have been looking at your mentor when he said, “I am half-human. Unusual, but there are others like me.” His voice returned, “I can think of nothing else.” 

You heard Stamets take a breath. This made you pause in your own work to watch them. It was amazing to see your mentor interact with the person you hold closest to your heart. It reminded you why you loved your mentor in the first place. “Well,” He started, “If I were the Red Angel traveling through time, I’d plan my mind-melding strategy pretty carefully. Wouldn’t just choose a random Vulcan. Keep trying. You’ll figure it out.” 

This made you smile. It was as if watching a father-in-law comfort his child’s husband. You could tell, in that moment, just how much you and Michael met to Stamets. Spock, then, turned back on the power. 

“Great,” Stamets said walking back to the main hub, “Now if only the spore drive were that easy.” 

You called up from the floor, “I think the corruption maybe with the navigator.” 

Stamets took off his gloves frustrated, “Oh yeah. Because, you know, that isn’t important. Only holds the map to the entire mycelial network.” 

“You’ve traveled that network hundreds of times,” Spock commented, “I’m sure you can travel between two points without assistance. Perhaps you only lack faith in your own abilities.” 

Spock turned to walk away. You could tell he just wanted to get back to work. Your mentor followed him though, kicking you along the way, “I know you are angry at Burnham, but she risked her life to bring you here. She loves you.” 

“If I may make an observation of my own,” Spock asked before proceeding, “I saw Dr. Culber moving out of your shared quarters. You seemed quite upset.” 

Stamets looked confused about what Spock meant, “Yes, he said he needs distance.” 

During this Spock stared straight into your eyes, “I submit that the assessment of the situation may be inverted. Perhaps he needs distance from you not because he no longer has feelings for you, but because he no longer knows how to feel about himself.” He looked more into Stamets’s eyes again before turning to return to his work. 

When the three of you returned to the bridge, you saw Tilly crying talking to Airiam. You started to tear up and rushed to your redheaded friend’s side. You held her while she talked to your fellow crewman and friend. 

Airiam continued, “And all of you will die.” She pleaded, “Please Michael. The airlock.” 

You quickly realized what she was trying to say and clung to Tilly. She returned by holding your arms in place but keeping her focus on your friend on the screen. 

Michael shook her head, “We can fight this Airiam.” You watched as Michael tried to break into the system. 

Spock called out to his sister, “Michael. Stop.” 

Airiam interrupted, “I disabled my helmet. I will not survive in space.” 

You sobbed. Tilly rested her head against you as tears ran down her face as well. Captain Pike told Michael, “Open the Airlock.” 

“Sir,” Michael said, not standing down, “I don’t want to disobey your orders, but if this works.” 

“It’s you or her Michael,” Spock reasoned. 

“15 seconds,” Airiam cried, “Please.” 

“Open the airlock Michael,” Captain Pike repeated. 

Michael cried out, “One more minute. Please!” 

Tilly spoke up, “Hey Airiam. I’m going to send you your favorite memory. Okay? Look at it.” 

“I can’t look at it now, Tilly,” Airiam explained. “Michael,” She called again, “You have no other alternative but to eject me.” 

Captain Pike stated, “Burnham, that’s an order.” 

Michael cried in frustration and ran to the blue cyber augmented woman. She paused. 

Airiam apologized, “I’m so sorry. It wanted me to kill you. Everything is because of you.” 

“Because of me,” Michael asked through tears. 

“Michael,” Spock tried to get through to his sister, “Open the airlock.” 

“Please,” Airiam asked, “Tell everyone I love them.” You sobbed hearing Airiam say that and sobbing as well. You tried to fight back the tears, but you couldn’t. You just held Tilly as much as you could to try and ground yourself. Your heart wrenched. “You have to find Project Daedalus,” Airiam continued. 

Michael shook her head confused and repeated, “Project Daedalus?” 

The airlock, then, opened and released Airiam into the vacuum of space. Tilly started to allow her tears to fall and held you back fully now. 

That night, you could not sleep alone. You walked over to Spock’s bed and asked, “Can I-” 

He already made a spot for you to crawl in, “Yes. Of course.” 

You crawled into the bed and curled up next to the rigid man. He did not relax until you had finished moving and getting comfortable. He sighed and started to play with your hair. 

His low voice rumbled as he quoted, “`I quite agree with you,' said the Duchess; `and the moral of that is--"Be what you would seem to be"--or if you'd like it put more simply--"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."'   


`I think I should understand that better,' Alice said very politely, `if I had it written down: but I can't quite follow it as you say it.'   


`That's nothing to what I could say if I chose,' the Duchess replied, in a pleased tone.   


`Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that,' said Alice.   


`Oh, don't talk about trouble!' said the Duchess. `I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.'   


`A cheap sort of present!' thought Alice. `I'm glad they don't give birthday presents like that!' But she did not venture to say it out loud.   


`Thinking again?' the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin.   


`I've a right to think,' said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried.   


`Just about as much right,' said the Duchess, `as pigs have to fly; and the m--'   


But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's voice died away, even in the middle of her favourite word `moral,' and the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm.” 

His voice gave way to tell the most fantastic story. He gave each character a very distinct inflection so that you were able to know exactly who was speaking before he had to tell you in his more normal monotoned voice that he used as the general narrator. Your tears slowly fell onto his chest. Instead of stopping in the story, he held you closer and continued to recount Alice in Wonderland to you until you had fallen asleep. 

Once the crew was able to recover her body, there was a funeral. Captain Pike gave a beautiful sermon. Tilly, Stamets, Detmer, and Burnham spoke while Saru sang for her last departure. Every night after Airium’s death, you found yourself curled up next to Spock for comfort. You were pretty sure that you had heard the ending of Alice and Wonderland so now you believe he must have picked up with Alice Through the Looking Glass again. Though, you would never know unless you inquired due to your lack of memorization. 

Dr. Culber had you taken from your post to try and rest. He leveled with Captain Pike that after all the trauma you were enduring, it would be best if you didn’t have too much on your plate. Instead, Stamets had you stay in the gardens. It was nice to work. It took your mind off a lot of things. The ability to care for something and be able to see the fruits of your labor calmed your mind. 

You were only removed from your garden area when they decided to destruct the Discovery. You were evacuated with your equipment and Spock had luckily packed all of your pictures and plants from your room. When you made it aboard the Enterprise, Spock pulled you into his quarters to comfort you from your panic. You had no idea that you were hyperventilating until you felt his strong arms around you. Your breathing and heart rate slowed as he hushed your panic. He rocked you for a moment then smiled, “Do you like it?” 

You looked around his room. It was very clean, but it seemed like he kept a few personal items, including a musical instrument that you didn’t recognize. You opened your mouth to ask him about it, but he answered, “I have many talents.” You smiled at the room. 

“Spock,” You turned to face him. You felt so much for him. Every moment, every feeling seemed to build up to this very moment. You went to him to whisper. 

“Lt. Spock to the Bridge,” The bridge called. 

You let out a sigh and felt Spock sigh as well. “I will be back,” He promised. 

As soon as he got back, he shook his head and said, “It’s time to get us back onto the Discovery.” 

You pouted and grabbed only your pictures with your friends this time. You mumbled, “Stupid ass sphere data.” 

Upon hearing Michael’s speech, you got back to your work with the spore drive. You tried your hardest to optimize it as much as you could. Maybe you could make it come online faster, maybe… It was useless. You thought in your head for a moment and walked to your quarters to get ready for the oncoming battle. 

You smiled as you walked out seeing Stamets. He smiled back at you through your tears. He wrapped his arm around your and patted your hand, “I am going to assume you came to the same conclusion.” You nodded and followed him to the rest of the group that decided to stay on the Discovery to be with Michael. 

Tilly giggled as everyone gathered together. She teared up as well, “I’m going to go get Michael now.” 

Spock nodded, “Please do.” 

When Tilly walked back, she explained, “Some people are still working. Poe is designing on siege weapons… which I can’t even…” She trailed off but got back on topic, “Anyway, We are here because we are staying with you.” 

“No,” Michael immediately replied, “No. I can’t let you do this.” She took a small step back. 

Reno spoke up, “We aren’t asking for permission.” 

“This isn’t possible,” Michael tried to explain her standpoint, “You have lives. You have people who love you. Families who love you. They will never see you again.” 

Saru nodded, “Commander, Our families accepted the possibility of this moment when we joined Starfleet. Committing to a life amongst the stars is in itself a resolution to leave some things behind.” 

“But I don’t know what the future holds,” Michael continued to argue. 

“No one does,” Stamets spoke up. 

You continued his sentence, “We just have now.” 

Spock tried to end the argument, “We are coming with you, Michael. Further argument would be futile. Please accept this.” 

Michael shook her head. You could tell she was about to cry. This couldn’t last long. All of you needed to get to your stations. 

You touched your two fingertips to Spock’s for the last time before the jump and whispered, “See you on the other side.” 

A rush of emotions filled the both of you. Spock jerked up and looked at you with a gleam in his eye. He shook his head and said, “I have to explain what that means after all of this.” 

Just like that, you two went to your separate stations to work. You focused on the drive and keeping the lab up and running as everyone else focused on the “main” areas needed. 

Spock looked at his sister and gave her a touching Vulcan salute before turning to the shuttle. “Stay in my wake,” he commanded. 

He drove his sister through the battlefield. So many things rushed through his head, but he had to focus on only this. This was his first priority. If he couldn’t do this, none of the other rushing thoughts would matter anyway. 

You braced for impact, but every time, it still nearly threw you across the room. You cursed as you grit your teeth to continue your work trying to ignore the spark burns. You had to push forward. For your family, you had to keep going forward. For Spock, you had to keep going. 

Spock comforted his sister. He thought for a moment and realized they were in an open loop. He guided Michael to the answer and she coordinated her jumps. When the shot hit his shuttle, he yelled for Michael to go. 

When Michael got back, Saru told Michael that it was time to go. She turned to Spock and said, “Alright It’s time to go Spock. Get back to Discovery.” 

Spock looked at his ship. “Michael,” He called his sister’s attention, “I cannot.” 

“What,” Michael asked. She prayed he was joking. It wasn’t the time or place for him to be saying this. 

Spock nodded, “When my vessel was hit. My engines are disabled.” 

“Discovery can lock onto you with a tractor beam,” Michael bargained. 

Spock disagreed, “There is no time and even if there were, they would have to lower their shields to bring me aboard. They will not survive doing so. Not in this battle. Not with the amount of damage that ship has already sustained.” He looked at his sister pleadingly, “You must go.” 

Michael shook her head and walked towards her brother, “I just got you back. I don’t wanna let go.” 

“Neither,” Spock admitted, “do I.” 

Michael started to cry, “We already lost you once.” 

“You never lost me, Michael,” Spock comforted, “As a child, I was truly lost. The path of my father, the path of my mother, you came into our lives and taught me that it was possible to travel both. You found me. You saved me.” 

Michael shook her head, “That wasn’t me. That was always in you.” 

“You are my balance, Michael. You always have been,” Spock said shaking his head, “and I’m afraid that I will not find it again without you.” 

Michael took in a deep breath and said, “Okay. Listen to me, little brother. This is the last advice I will ever be able to give you.” 

Months later, Spock was going through his personal things. His brow raised as he found something hidden in the album of you and he that you had left before the Discovery’s disappearance. He pulled it out to see a message log. He put it into his computer. There stood you. 

“Hey,” you started, “Or, should I say, hello Spock. To me, I just saw you moments ago so it feels strange doing this. If you are seeing this, I’m sure you know that I decided to stay on board the ship with my crewmen.” You took a deep breath. Tears had started to fall, “And you are not here with me. But it’s okay. It’s okay because I know now how to say it. I know now what you were trying to tell me. I love you...and I know you love me too.” You licked your chapped lips and laughed, “It’s actually really comforting. Even if we don’t grow old together, after this experience I know that we will love each other forever. Time has to keep repeating itself for the timeline to be complete, so we are forever in a loop where we fall in love with each other. Isn’t that amazing?” You shook your head, “I’ve loved you since I first saw you at the Academy. You were tall, handsome, and nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was thrilled that we got to go through our training life together, even if you were a handful sometimes. I have to admit though. You were a lot kinder than I first thought. A lot more gentle too. You are sassy and sometimes annoyingly a know it all. I just… I think I realized then that no matter how much I reached for you, you wouldn’t ever reach back. So I waited for you. Which is what I will do now. I’m going to wait for you.” You smiled. It looked as though you were going to end the message, but then you said, “Oh wait! One more thing. I figured it out.” You held up the Vulcan Salute, “Live Long and Prosper, My Love.” 

Spock wiped his tears from his eyes and ended the message. He took the disk and placed it into a pocket next to his heart in his new blue uniform. 

“Mr. Spock to Bridge,” The bridge called to Spock after he was done shaving. He walked onto the bridge. 

Everyone stared at the now clean-shaven and trimmed haired Spock before them. He broke the silence by asking about the anomaly. 

“I believe so, number one is running it now,” Captain Pike confirmed. 

Once confirmation hit, it eased Spock’s soul. He felt relieved to see that his sister and love had made it through the wormhole safely. 

That was when a communications officer called, “Sir, I am getting an SOS call from near the seventh signal.” 

You stood out on the ship deck with Tilly. You stared out. “He wasn’t able to make it,” Tilly commented. 

“No,” you replied back. You smiled gently at her and Reno, “I just don’t think the universe ever wanted us to be together.” 

“Fuck that,” You heard from a weak voice behind you. You turned to see Stamets leaning on Hugh. He pushed you into an escape pod, “Fuck that, ‘the universe doesn’t want me and my boyfriend together’ bullshit.” He looked toward Tilly and released you out on his count. 

“It looks like an escape pod from the Discovery, sir,” The analyst called out to Captain Pike. 

Captain Pike replied, “Then let’s go get it.” 

Spock’s heart lept. He raced to the transporter room before anyone even needed to tell him to be there. His sister’s advice echoed through his mind, “There’s a whole galaxy out there, full of people who will reach for you. You have to let them. Find the person who seems farthest from you and reach for them.” 

He stood and watched as you materialized in front of him from the transporter. You ran to him. Your arms wrapped themselves around his neck as you kissed him. Your hands buried themselves in his hair. Spock took this time to wrap his arms around you as well to reciprocate. Much to your surprise, your Vulcan love deepened the kiss full of devotion and love. 

“Reach for them. Let them guide you,” Those words rang in his mind. 

When he finally felt like he could let go, he pulled away. He rested his forehead against yours, “I lied to you.” 

“I know,” You said crying. Relief hit you like a tsunami. Here you were, finally, with the man you loved so desperately. 

Spock pulled away just enough to look into your eyes, “I will not do so anymore. Please, will you agree to be bound to me for life? I think the proper term is..” 

“Yes,” you exclaimed, “I will marry you.”


End file.
